Acquisitions Incorporated - Enter the Trash Witch

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Season 2 of Dice, Camera, Action just ended, and we got ourselves a surprise! A special podcast D&D game where one of the heroes of DCA joins the Acquisitions Inc team.

This is a hilarious show and you should definitely check it out.

At the end of Dice, Camera, Action episode 60, Strix disappeared, drawn away by some kind of infernal force. In this show, we find out where she went and learn more about her mysterious origin.

The Party

(Jerry) Omin Dran - Half-Elf Cleric
(Mike) Jim Darkmagic - Human Wizard
(Patrick) Viari - Human Rogue    
(Holly) Strix - Tiefling Sorcerer

Omin Dran is flying the airship. He drops K'thriss, who was a guest star in the last Acquisitions, Inc. show, off in the Dessarin Valley. He flies to Waterdeep and leaves Morgaen there.

The group needs to pick up some interns for a new mission. We get into a discussion as to whether the word "mook" is racist.

Omin picks up some interns in a dismissive manner. I think the group makes these people up on the spot. The interns:

• "Hell's Adjacent" Hibner: A tiefling that doesn't sleep much.
• Tweed Barsum: A gnome.
• Alandria Primp: An acolyte in her early days of wizard training.
• Scubby Hornswallow: A scruffy forest gnome with small, rough hands.

Viari is suffering from the death curse, apparently caused by the incident with the apocalypse dagger. Jim has sores on his body that he is covering with powder, sunglasses and a wig. The wig is of black, luxurious curly black hair. Jim is strutting around, looking good.

Omin has been buying stuff, like how some companies buy medical debt. One such acquisition is an infernal contract, which is a binding agreement linking a soul to the owner.

Wow. We learn a lot about Strix! This is what Omin learned: The Skizzixes were a human family from Sigil that feared annihilation from their rivals. They made a pact with Asmodeus to become tieflings and they were also awarded vassals - devils to serve as bodyguards and assistants.

This contract that Omin has lets you call forth the family's most powerful member: Strix!

This representative of the infernal house is bound to do as Omin commands.

Strix Speculation: I don't even know where to start with that. Strix appeared in Sigil as a child with writing in green on her arm that spelled out "Strix" as her name. People assumed that was her name. Is it possible that it actually said "Skizzix?"

Who were her family's rivals? Was it one of the factions of Sigil? Why did her family turn to Asmodeus? What's the link to the Wachters?

Was the enemy of the Skizzixes wiped out? If not, they would have come after Strix when she was dropped off in Sigil. Maybe they didn't know she had come back. Maybe that's who sent the shadow monster after her... but then, the shadow monster didn't kill her when it had the chance.

Summoning Strix: Anyway. Omin uses the contract to summon her. A pentagram forms and Strix appears in a flash. She's got her staff in one hand and her flying broom in the other.

Strix freaks out for a second. Jim tries to figure out her deal with an insight check. He rolls a 1. He declares that she is a dumpster witch, or maybe a trash witch.

Strix can see that Jim is suffering from the death curse, the same curse that She and Diath had been suffering from.

Omin explains to Strix that her family is in league with devils. Omin was able to buy her contract for a cool 10 gold. Wait.. 9 and change. Strix is insulted. Is there a name on that contract? Who signed it?

Jim has been trying to shake off the death curse by juicing. Strix and the Acquisitions Inc. team get to know each other and compare robots. The waffle crew has a kid-killing robot. Acq, Inc. has fraternized with beer robots.

Omin informs Strix that once this mission is done, he promises not to summon her again unless he feels like it. He might summon her for a snail-eating competition, something like that.

Traveling to Chult: The group flies to Chult, a trip that takes 10 days. Strix sometimes chucks hand-written notes over the side of the ship, hoping to make contact her friends. Jim sees this and tries to be all smooth, offering her a dove. Strix loves birds. She nonchalantly thanks him.

The curse is slowly killing Jim. His max hit points drop by 10. He's down to 28. Yikes.

As they get close to Port Nyanzaru, they see some winged gnashers and they spot a massive turtle in the water.

A creature flies up to their ship. It is a friendly half-dragon with gold scales holding a staff. He is Zindar the Quartermaster.

Jim is very into dragon loving, it is one of his fetishes. People and polymorphed dragons really tickle his fancy.

Omin tells Zindar that they need to find the soulmonger, but Zindar knows nothing. He's a nice guy.

Zindar explains that normal sailing ships pay a dragon turtle in gold and gems for safe passage to the bay. There are pirates out there causing problems for the city, and they have a secret cove. Omin really wants to take down the pirates once the death curse is dealt with.

Skills Assessment: The group asks Strix how she is in combat. She talks about shaping her fireball spells and Jim declares that it is impossible to do such a thing.

Jim realizes that she's a sorcerer. Jim says that she is a pervert. Viari can't believe that Jim is calling her a pervert - he assumes she must be into really freaky stuff for Jim to say such a thing.

The group wants to see what Strix can do. Viari shoves Hibner over the side, and he begins falling toward the ocean below. Strix flies on her broom and tries to grab him. She rolls a 9. His shirt rips and he keeps falling. She tries to polymorph him into a bat. He rolls a save... natural 20. Hibner falls into the water.

Strix has flashbacks to when she accidentally killed Ireena. Viari dives in and they find Hibner in the water, alive and unconscious. Strix polymorphs him into a bat. They bring him on the ship and give him bat CPR.

Strix shuts off the polymorph spell. Hibner gets up and punches Viari in the nuts. Omin authorizes it.

Jim is not impressed with her magic, and he notices that people in the harbor are watching this spectacle. Viari takes off his shirt off, because it is so hot out.

We get a description that includes hairy barrels... or Harry Barrels, the dockmaster. This should definitely be an NPC.

The group lands and heads into Port Nyanzaru, a jungle city where dinosaurs are beasts of burden.

There's a really nice boat with a bright blue sail. The crew waves in a friendly manner. Omin sends them fruit baskets. "A galleon of seamen," Viari notes. Truly exquisite wordplay on this podcast.

Port Nyanzaru: The heroes heads toward Kaya's House of Repose in a nicer part of the city.

A little kid offers her candy. Strix shakes the kid and more candy falls out. Jim's makeup is running.. He has a purple silk parasol for protection against harmful UV rays.

Viari wants to buy some clothes to fit in. He gets a turban and billowing Errol Flynn-style clothing. A long time ago, I read Errol Flynn's autobiography. He once got stabbed and had to run through the streets holding his guts in. He had a big, hairy friend named Dr. Mahamoti that I have based many NPCs on. Amazing book!

Make a Wish Foundation Dinosaur: Ankylosaurs are pulling a ship into a berth. Jim walks up to one of them and puts a hand on it, Jurassic Park style. His handlers poke him with 10 foot poles.

Jim wants to buy one. They go check out dinosaurs for sale. They learn that the city holds dinosaur races. Omin thinks Jim doesn't have much time left, and maybe this would be nice for him.

Jim acts sicker and claims that dinosaur racing might be something he needs.

The group agrees that a triceratops is the way to go. They want to raise dinosaurs. Strix doesn't.. wait.. her infernal contract kicks in. She wants to be pit crew for the races.

Viari feels sympathy for Strix, knowing what it's like to be an intern. He buys her a custom witch hat. It's light and has pouches. Strix cries and says how nice it was. Viari wants a hug. Strix doesn't do hugs. She gives him a weird hand touch.

Jim's makeup is running. He rudely tells Strix that he can give her makeup tips. She casts alter self to look like him and insults him. Jim runs away, weeping, saying that they need to get rid of this trash witch.

The Merchant Prince: They meet with a merchant prince to discuss getting in on the dinosaur races. 

The prince offers them pistachio nuts and the group is all over it, Strix especially. The prince learns that Strix beat the death curse and wants to hear about it over dinner. She panics, and then is relieved when the whole group is invited.

Jim, resentful of Strix, says she's lying about the cure, and also, she can't cast any good spells. Strix quietly sets the bottom of his robes on fire. He snaps his fingers and puts the fire out. He threatens to set her on fire. Someone points out that she's a tiefling - fire doesn't bother her all that much.

Jim quietly says to Omin, "I'm going to roast this pervert." I died.

The Meeting: Later, the group is going to meet with the prince. They're in a tavern. A woman gives Jim a harlequin mask. "Prince Wakanga offers you this gift. A magic item given to him from a friend long ago. It will enhance your natural beauty."

Jim puts it on and it creates an illusion that makes Jim as handsome as he's ever been.

The prince meet with the heroes. Jim is very annoyed that the merchant prince is paying attention to Strix. He finds a picture of himself in the place and offers to autograph it. Nobody's impressed.

Jim "accidentally" spills wine on Strix, but she doesn't notice because she's generally a pretty filthy person. She rings it out and drinks it.

Viari like this prince and gives him a gift. He returns the favor and gives them a spellbook. Both Jim and Strix lunge for it. They roll off to see who is faster. Jim wins. Strix starts crying.

There's these weird rugs with mouths on them. Jim "accidentally" knocks her into one. She fails her save. It's a rug of smothering! It engulfs her.

Omin scolds Jim. Strix escapes it by turning into a cloud. Jim goes: "gross."

The Library: The group goes to the prince's home and checks out his library while they wait for him to be ready. They decide to read some books. Chris wants the group to roll percentile to see what book they find. Seems like Chris has a list, maybe this is something right out of the Tomb adventure. Viari rolls a 100! Wow.

The group learns a ton of lore. They learn about Ubtao, a god who lived among the people, the father of Chult. The Chultans became so warlike with each other that Ubtao left Chult. He wanted them to solve their problems themselves. Ubtao loved mazes and it is said that if you trace a path through one of his mazes, you earn his favor.

The group also learns that there are rumors of a portal to the underworld in the mountains. Lurking there is Dendar the night serpent, who will devour the sun if she is released. Dendar is a god of the yuan-ti.

Bad Guys: As the group reads, 4 assassins creep into the room. They're wearing black and they have wavy daggers. Omin spots them.

Omin is very interested to see Strix's capabilities. Viari warns her - no fireballs in the library. She does it anyway and she shapes the fireball so that it doesn't harm the group or the books. She looks at Jim while she does it.

Jim is not happy.

The assassins are snake people. One tries to charm them. Jim casts magic missile. Strix heckles him for using a 1st level spell.

The heroes pummel the assassins. Viari likes the snake lady assassin. She flees the scene. That's where we stop!

Overall

I thought this show was hilarious! Strix vs. Jim is top notch. This podcast was so fun and laid back, definitely makes me want more.

This story will pick up at PAX West, which takes place in a few weeks.